On the Sh-, D'Arvit it's a rant.

This week I have some things to say, both good and bad. That means this'll be quite a long post, so I will try to organize it so you can skip to whichever part you wish.

READING: The Good and Bad of Artemis Fowl

This week, I read Artemis Fowl: The Last Guardian. I want to both murder Eoin Colfer and hug him. He did my ultimate taboo in the realm of writing.

Bringing back the dead.

There are some times (very rarely) when bringing back a dead character is done correctly, with class and sophistication. But most of the time it is done to spare the readers of having to lose a beloved of humorous character. I cannot count on my hands the number of time characters have come back from a perfectly acceptable death. Goku can fill one of my hands himself, dying to save the world constantly then being wished back to life with the Dragonballs. It gives the reader some closure, but the effect diminishes the legitimacy of the writing. Leo Tolstoy never brought HIS characters back to life. Andrew Bolonski died and stayed dead.
But I can forgive him because against all odds he didn't make a romance plot. Through the series, Artemis and Holly get progressively closer even sharing a kiss once. But Artemis is a human and Holly is a fairy. Fans everywhere have been planning and scheming, trying to determine how Colfer would make this relationship work. Thankfully, even though it left a hole where my heart is, Colfer kept Artemis a human and Holly a fairy. I'm proud of him. It made it a mature piece of writing.
Artemis Fowl is kind of a disappointment in this book. I wish he would pull out a brilliant plan or have some brilliant thought, but he continually disappointed me. All his plans failed, except for his final one. When he ends up killing himself, he succeeds. D'Arvit.
Foaly was a more inspirational character. He goes out and saves his wife! He drives to his house and stops a goblin mob. It was heartwarming.
Mulch was stealing from Fowl Manor, making me lose all respect I had given him. I thought he would at least be loyal enough to leave Artemis alone (Artemis should have known) or at least not that stupid.
Holly was Holly, she was an awesome pilot, she fought, she made witty comments. Good ol' Holly Short.
Butler...lost something in this book. This character was always substantial, solid, completely loyal and practically infallible. Now he has fears, he falls easily, he questions Artemis. The whole definition of what made Butler was lost. I missed it.
Overall, it wasn't as great as the first book (I love that book). The writing and style didn't change. It was a perfect blend of narration, description, and hilarity. But the plot, the characterization, the enjoyment suffered. It made me fell conflicted between loving the original characters as they were and hating the characters as they are. I questioned the whole series and it felt like a glass shattering against the floor. I reread the first book and it was just as amazing as I remember (Maybe even better) but this last book in the series left a bitter aftertaste that pushes me into the darkest crevice of the internet to get some sort of hit to feel the high I once felt for this series. (What an odd analogy...) I think Colfer gave up. He had more ideas and more stories, but he needed to finish this arc. I wish he had put more heart into it, I wish he had made a beautiful insightful ending, but I can understand the drag 7 sequels must have on a writer. I can understand, but my faith in Colfer is crushed and I don't think I'll ever view him as well as I once did.

TELEVISION: Elementary *Spoilers*

What can I say? That it was terrible? That it was the bane of my existence? That I would rather gouge my eyes out, climb in a car, and run over a basket of kittens than watch this show again?
No, this doesn't quite do justice to the unmitigated hatred I have for this show.
Am I biased? Yes, I've seen real acting in BBC Sherlock and I can't come back. But I tried to come in with an open mind. It snapped close like a bear trap closing in on an unknowing and clueless rabbit. The episode starts with Joan Watson (Yes, our BAMF, male, British, Army doctor has been replaced with a Emotional, female, Asian, former doctor-turned companion) running towards the rehab center to pick up our main character. He escaped. So Joan calls his father and arrives at Sherlock's house to see a lady walk out. (At this point I was face-palming) Joan then proceeds to have an incredibly awkward scene with Sherlock, where he quotes a creepy love quote from the television for no apparent reason... It was just uncomfortable...
I won't explain the entire episode, it was long and boring and stupid, but I will emphasized key points to explain why I hate it so much. I'll even use a list.
1. Sherlock
I've read the original works by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and I feel like I have some credibility in determining if a character was portrayed correctly. Sherlock was smart, odd and good at his job, but he wasn't Sherlock. I have nothing against the actor, i'm sure he has done lovely work outside this, but almost nothing was Sherlock about this character. He was pinning for a girl, had temper tantrums, didn't really deduce like a proper detective, and he apologized readily. He takes Watson's car and crashes it in his frustrations. I couldn't understand why they put that in. It wasn't brilliant, or gentlemanly. He was just odd overall, being everywhere at once and having too much emotion, too many open issues for it to be the real Sherlock Holmes.
2. Watson
Ignoring the fact she's a woman, Watson wasn't Watson. She was offended easily, she wasn't in the military, she was overly concerned with death (the real Watson killed in Afghanistan, he was made of sterner stuff), she was unhappy most of the time, she was there out of obligation rather than an emotional connection. I didn't see Watson at all. Most of his characterization was very British in nature, tea, journal, and admiration for his companion. I didn't see anything like that in Joan.
3. The crime
It was convoluted. Absolutely crazy. Try and follow.
~ Husband becomes Psychiatrist to a violent man who assaults red heads of a certain look.
~ Husband convinces beautiful Wife to get plastic surgery to become a red head.
~ Husband hires Violent man to delivery flowers in hopes that he'll become obsessed with his Wife.
~ Husband gives Violent man steroids instead of prescription drugs.
~ Violent man records psychiatrist's sessions on phone
~ Violent man kills wife
~ Husband kills Violent man, can't find phone
Oops. There are so many plot holes I'm not even going to try and fill them all.
4. Supporting characters 
There were none. End of story. They spouted one or two lines and then they were completely forgotten. It made it a very emotionless episode.
5. the Deductions 
They were accurate, and kind of clever, but not very Sherlock. He was just jumping around and lying on the floor. There wasn't any observation or small things that the real Sherlock deduced off of. There was no dirt on sleeves, or dog hair, or deduction based on looks. It was all easy things I could have figured out. The amount of glass was more than one (There was two bottoms), the slant in the floor leads to a heavy room, the room was symmetrical so the one thing not symmetrical is missing. Silly thing that most normal people can figure out. Then he goes off and predicts a baseball game which is impossible.
6. The Writing
Non of the dialog, the action, or the plot was engaging. They were dull, boring, obvious or impossible. No one was inspirational, no one was relate-able, no one was thoughtful or insightful. It was just blah. I can't even quote anything in the episode. It was boring.

So I would not recommend this to anyone you like. It wasn't redeemable as a Sherlock spoof, it wasn't redeemable as another cops show. It was boring and disappointing.

Honorable Mention of the Week: DailyBreak
Want to win prizes? Want to earn tones of money? Do you know things? Join DailyBreak. It's fun, easy, free, and I'm using it to help get money for college. Why not try? It is fun, I did a competition based on fantasy novels that I passed with flying colors. One was even for grammar Nazis. Worth a try.

On the Shelf

This week was slow for reading. Among essays, Clubs, Stage Crew, work, and Marching Band competition, I've been sweating tears of pure effort and work. This still hasn't stopped me from reading though. If anything, I'm more excited than ever as recently I've acquired the last of a series of books from my childhood. The Artemis Fowl Series has reached it's end, and I hope it is as brilliant as it's beginning.
Artemis Fowl was always a hero of mine. He was young, he was rich, he was intelligent, he was a dreamer. He had a goal most would consider hopeless and a child's folly, yet with his brilliance he discovered a mystical land beneath the earth's crust inhaling and exhaling magic, fairies, and gold. He was the villain and the hero of his own story, being both mad with power and aiming for a rather wholesome purpose. He also spoke one of the most influential quotes I have ever heard in my life.

"If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose then I'm mad. That's the way history is written." 

I have never forgotten the cover of this book, the gold binding, the elegant script, the Gnommish symbols spelling out their message, the back covers warning.

STAY BACK HUMAN. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DEALING WITH.

Honestly the whole presentation was wonderful, amazing, stupendous, and any other adjective that is of a higher caliber than good.
But for all it's brilliance and Majesty, the book has it's flaws. Character development is predictable, the plot is fairly predictable, the villains take turns returning and plotting another plan to destroy Artemis and his companions. People die, but they don't, Artemis falls in love, yet he doesn't, He is evil, but then he's not. The book is written as a children's book, so I give it a little leniency because really, would you give a child a book in which the best characters all end up dead?
But the plot is unique, the characters are all lovable, and the writing is spectacular and simple. It doesn't take a genius like Artemis to read these books and the humor is well written and preformed.
Artemis ends up with one of the greatest fails in all of history.

Holly: (After punching Artemis) Be a good Mudboy and I might bring you back a lollipop.

     Artemis: (After Holly leaves) I don't like lollipops.
So the greatest mind in England retorts... It made Artemis a bit more reachable and added comedy to his character that wasn't seen before. Everything is hilarious in these books from the unfortunate names (meet Dwarves Mulch Diggums and Kolin Ozkopy) to the odd quotes you'll be laughing at something in each chapter.
I love the books, absolutely adore every convoluted plot, every reoccurring villain, and every witissism that the author cleverly settled into the script. Bravo Eoin Colfer Bravo.
It's worth a try, just to test the waters. I will forever be grateful that I picked up that gold book so long ago. And who knows, it might lead you to other books. (I was an extreme case, Artemis read War and Peace so I decided I would... Wow that was a terrible decision.)
Honorable Mention of the Week: Akinator
This mystical internet Genie can read your mind, and he knows his stuff. I spent the entire day today trying to find a character he didn't know about but I could only find 1 out of 100 that stumped him. He knew everyone from Carl Gauss the physicist to Ikuto Tskyomi from Shugo Chara (A Japanese Anime). It's worth a try to find out who he doesn't know and if you stump him send me a comment with the name of your character. It's fun and gives you at least 5 minutes of entertainment, so try!

Sleep is Depressing

A symphony of violent, dream-crashing notes assaulted my ears in the hopes of appeasing a past and future me. I instinctively rose from my snug cocoon and flinched as the cool air of morning hissed at my warm skin. And I learned a great lesson.
I hate sleep. I hate cold. I hate the act of waking up at 5:30 every morning.
Not a big revelation, nor is it a new one. I have long since tired of the daily struggle to recharge and reset whilst there is work to be done. I have great abhorrence to the biological need for sleep and in my life I try to avoid it as much as possible. In all honesty, I don't need fancy words to get my point across. Sleep just sucks.
Dreaming is okay. By okay I mean that when I dream I tend to dream about what I wish would happen, or what I wish could happen, but it never happens and I have yet to discover which is better. Is it better to at least have a dream? Or is it cruel to give someone a beautiful, wonderful, impossible dream just to rip it away with all remnants of hope and acceptance.
Metaphysical food for thought.

But in brighter thoughts, I'm not dead, you're not dead, I still have more than half my life to live, I hope you do too. Birds still chirp, plants still grow, humanity is learning, we don't burn people anymore (in America), Aliens haven't taken over an made us inhuman robots bent on becoming a perfect race... So, so far so good. I mean we have Anime and Video games and BBC, what more could we want?

On the shelf

As the days progresses from a mundane morning to an uneventful close, I find myself leaning towards escape increasingly often. The idea of monotony and normalcy repel me as a fish is repelled by the thought of living on dry land. It seems unnatural and unkind. I feel it is truly the worst fate imaginable. Unfortunately, most of us live our entire lives in some symbolical microcosm of the whole of the earth. We spend our entire lives in a small amount of space (in comparison to the world at least).
But I recently read an essay that reminded me why we spend all our time with a schedule, a set pattern, a degree of normalcy. It's an essay titled My Dropout Boyfriend Kept on Dropping In. In this peculiar essay the writer conveys her feelings of jealousy and curiosity over her boyfriend Terry's decision to become homeless. While she stayed in college, worked a job, and lived normally, Terry was out looking for a place to sleep and a meal to eat. The essay wasn't just a story, nor was it written like you would expect from a college essay. This essay let you into the writers head as she contemplated the small dreamer in herself that wished he would succeed and the pragmatic self that knew he would not. In the end, Terry gives up on his scheme and the writer accepts that her laughable boring choices in life were made because that's how society works. You have to make the decision to do the boring things because they're the safe options. They're the choices that keep you secure and give you the small comfort of knowing where you are and where you're going in life.
I still feel like life is overly redundant. I wish there would be some life altering event that caused the whole world view to skew. I wish for an event that would polarize the world and cause a schism in society. It wouldn't be safe. There would be no promises of redemption or success. There would be chaos as entropy took over and slipped through the interstices left behind by such a monumental catastrophe.
It wouldn't be easy, but it would be interesting.
Interesting doesn't keep you safe though.
And that's why, despite our hidden desire for Trouble and her brothers Mayhem and Madness, we always pick normalcy. Normal does keep us safe and warm. It keeps us alive so we can dream of the interesting things.
In Other News:
Well I'm still mad at BBC for making amazing dramas that rip your heart out. Other than that, the world is still spinning. That's good. Not a very interesting week if I do say so myself, though one of my 'evil' plans will be put into action next Tuesday. That makes me excited. Nothing feels quite as good as a well executed plan. I have a piece of writing to add when I get the chance as well, so I'll get that up as soon as possible.
Honorable Mention of the Week: Nuzlocke
If you have ever played Pokemon before you know it is slightly addicting. You realize this around the 6th gym, when you ask yourself just why are you spending hours battling magical monsters so you can climb the imaginary hierarchy that is the Pokemon League? Some of the hard-core gamers soon lose the enjoyment they once found in the game. But then a hero emerged from the ashes of redundancy and created a new honor code for the truly valiant knights of the Pokemon court. This was the birth of the Nuzlocke challenge. This honor code consists of only two basic rules that change the entire basis and experience of the game.
Rule 1: You can only catch the first pokemon you see in each Route.
Rule 2: Any pokemon that faints is dead.
There are no exceptions. No mercy. No other options.
You can add rules to your specific game to make the challenge extra hard, but the main two must remain. This has created a whole knew genre in pokemon games and now it is a true test of skill and endurance. Most players also make a comic of their exploits so that others might share their feelings as they win and lose, live and die, rise and fall. I've played myself and I enjoyed it utterly and completely. 

On the Shelf

On the side of my desk, bed, table, mantel, or any other sort of flat surface I happen to be in the vicinity of, there is a pyramid of books. This archaic shape rests quietly, within my reach, waiting for me to reach over and unlock the products of their beautiful authors. My selection hasn't changed this week, I'm still reading the same books, but I've gotten farther along and am pleased by my current selection.
In Other News: 
I've been watching Merlin recently, and I absolutely adore it. The whole story, cinematography, writing, and acting are on a level I've come to expect from BBC drama. While it certainly does not have Benedict Cumberbatch, nor David Tennent, I do love the actor Colin Morgan and his interpretation of the young warlock Merlin.This Merlin is sans pointy hat and robes, but has a level of innocence I think the old Merlin never had. I appreciate the character despite his differences to the original tales.

The dark ages don't look so bad, do they?

 Honorable Mention of the Week: Rat, Wedding, Bow.
Anyone who watches Sherlock is bawling their eyes out or writing theories like a mad fan-person (we don't judge here). With Moffat and Gatiss's skillful writing and clever cliffhangers, the emotional trauma induced by watching 'The Reichenbach Falls" is almost a clinical disease. The series is absolutely stunning in itself, but the emotions the characters have, and the relationships forged from them, is so real and believable that you can't look away and not feel something for the character. Whether it's bloody Anderson, dependable Watson, umbrella-wielding Mycroft, or Dominatrix Adler you will find the sub-characters just as fascinating and lovable (or in Anderson's case, deplorable) as the brilliant consulting detective himself, Sherlock Holmes. I could go on for days about this mad and wonderful series, but I feel the best opinions are formed by doing, so I encourage you to try it. Who knows, you might just be SHERLOCKED.