When you think of passion, you think of fire and lust. You think of burning emotions that capture and demand attention, loud noises of exclamation and inspiration, and of hurried and perpetual movement. The idea of passion isn't new and is understood quite well, and I really have no place telling you differently but I would like to let a though flow. So, if you would be so kind, let me vent for awhile?
My favorite kind of Passion is the quiet kind. The kind you really don't see or hear because it is so quiet and controlled that you can't be bothered to find it. It's the kind of Passion that comes in the form of a student studying late at night for a subject there is no test on,a man buying every book he sees for a library on he knows about, a girl writing stories about stories for no one else but her. These simple actions are only done with the greatest of loves and to feel that quiet love and Passion must truly be something special. I've never felt it. I wish I had though. I wish in the future I will.
Determination and Passion are emotions no one thinks to ask for but I think everyone needs to feel right. I'm neither passionate nor determined, I am in apathetic to most everything and if there was one thing I wish I had it would be passion or determination. To feel strongly for something, something you can accomplish would be thrilling. To want to work towards a goal and feel the need to move and be active would be amazing. To feel beyond mild interest and to see a future filled with something would be beautiful.
Oh well, I hope to know in the future. Maybe that's the beginning of Passion, the quiet kind. Having a goal, a wish, a hope.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Getting over Ridiculous Fears
When I was a small girl, only about 10 or so, I wanted to hold a birthday party. It was going to be THE party, the best party my family had ever thrown (and my family was spectacular at hosting parties). It was Pokemon themed, there was food, there was games, it was a sleepover, and my little brother wasn't going to bother my friends and I. I was ecstatic and had invited half of my class.
So on the day of my party, I stood at the corner of my street and waited for the cars to arrive with all of my friends. When the first car arrived I jumped for joy and hugged my friend as she got out of the car. Then we went to the corner and sat as we waited for all my other friends to arrive.
And we waited, and waited, and waited...
We waited till the sun went down.
We waited until it got too cold for us to stay outside any longer.
No one came after that. There was no late arrivals, no surprise waiting or me later. It was just Emily and I. But even that ended as she got homesick and left early. So I spent the night in a room decorated with Pokemon themed streamers, plates, and napkins. I spent the night close to tears, because of all the things I imagined going wrong that day, being completely abandoned by my 'friends' wasn't one of them.
Ever since then I've been afraid. Afraid of hosting parties. It's a stupid fear, one that doesn't even have a scientific name because it's only me. My Achilles heal is hosting a party. What a pathetic thing to admit.
But this Saturday, for the first time in about 5 years, I'm hosting a party. I'm scared as hell, I'll admit to that, but I think this will help me get over it. I have real friends now, friends who are special to me and who have stayed with me despite my faults. If anyone can help me get over this, it's these guys. So here is to hope, hope that in a crazy world where 10 year old girls get left alone and scarred over little things like parties, I can be cured of the one phobia I can't name.
Cheers.
So on the day of my party, I stood at the corner of my street and waited for the cars to arrive with all of my friends. When the first car arrived I jumped for joy and hugged my friend as she got out of the car. Then we went to the corner and sat as we waited for all my other friends to arrive.
And we waited, and waited, and waited...
We waited till the sun went down.
We waited until it got too cold for us to stay outside any longer.
No one came after that. There was no late arrivals, no surprise waiting or me later. It was just Emily and I. But even that ended as she got homesick and left early. So I spent the night in a room decorated with Pokemon themed streamers, plates, and napkins. I spent the night close to tears, because of all the things I imagined going wrong that day, being completely abandoned by my 'friends' wasn't one of them.
Ever since then I've been afraid. Afraid of hosting parties. It's a stupid fear, one that doesn't even have a scientific name because it's only me. My Achilles heal is hosting a party. What a pathetic thing to admit.
But this Saturday, for the first time in about 5 years, I'm hosting a party. I'm scared as hell, I'll admit to that, but I think this will help me get over it. I have real friends now, friends who are special to me and who have stayed with me despite my faults. If anyone can help me get over this, it's these guys. So here is to hope, hope that in a crazy world where 10 year old girls get left alone and scarred over little things like parties, I can be cured of the one phobia I can't name.
Cheers.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
A Thought in a While
A friend of mine brought up the idea that human ingenuity and imagination was at its limits and that we were now in and endless spiral of reduce, reuse, recycle. I don't believe him, I don't want to believe him. To think that we are at the end of our imagination scares me. I don't want to see a world where everything that can be said has already been said.
He's a bit of a pessimist, I'm not going to lie. I'm an optimist myself. I like to think of the world in rosie shades of happiness and adventure. I think he sees it in the tepid blues of monotony and futility.
Maybe he's right and I'm just being naive, but for a while at least I would like to be. I like to think the best of Human-kind is going to come in the future.
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